Relationships don't need to be that complicated, gentlemen.
We discussed some recent experiences she had with men,
and while some of them were a little different from what I usually
hear, some were consistent with issues I felt I discussed multiple times
before with different women about men.
What does this mean? It means there are consistencies.
There are, for some reason, mistakes that many men (probably myself
included) are making when it comes to being in a relationship. In this
article, I will discuss these mistakes to help all men become more aware
of where they can improve, and work to become better.
1. He never really learned about relationships.
This has always surprised me. People (men and women) spend
years of their life learning about business, history, science, and
whatever subject comes our way. But when it comes to the one thing every
single one of us shares — relationships — many are generally clueless.
Time is not taken to observe, talk to, or learn about the opposite sex. The
more effort you put into learning about women, particularly the one in
your life, the more likely you are to be in tune with her feelings,
emotions, likes and dislikes.
This will, of course, lead to a smoother, happier
relationship because you can anticipate her wants and needs in order to
act on them. You don't need to be a mind reader; you just need to put in
a little effort.
2. He spends too much time trying to sell himself.
You spend far too much time talking about yourself and not
enough time learning about her. Dating is not supposed to be a sales
pitch where you try to convince the person on the other end of the table
that you're their best option.
It's about mutual learning and figuring out whether or not
you are both a match for each other. You have two ears and one mouth for
a reason, so listen twice as much as you speak.
3. He doesn't make her a priority.
I've had more than one conversation recently that focused
on men who were either so submerged in their career, business, friends,
or other interests that they barely made time to spend with their own
girlfriend. As an entrepreneur, I understand the importance of focusing
on business and progress, but I also understand the beauty and depth a
relationship can bring to your life, and the importance of playing your
equal role in it.
The woman in your life wants to feel valued. She wants to
feel adored. She wants you to be emotionally present when you are with
her. She doesn't need to have you around constantly, but she wants to
feel loved, just like you do.
If you stop putting in effort to make the woman in your
life feel special every day, you lose your right to complain when
someone else does.
4. He didn't work to build a foundation.
A foundation of friendship and trust is essential to every
relationship, much like building a foundation is essential to building a
house. Without it, things may look solid from the outside, but will be
crumbling from the inside.
Many men shy away from friendship with women because
they're scared of being in the "friend zone" and never having more than
that with a woman they have feelings for. But it's important to realize
that many relationships are built off of friendships.
That is what keeps two people together long-term. She needs
to know she can count on you, that you will be there, and that you are
the real deal.
You can have a friendship without a relationship, but you can't have a relationship without a friendship.
5. He is inconsistent.
Another common question I get from women about men is: Why
are men so hot and cold? Men can be talking about commitment and a
relationship one day, and then completely disappear the next. What
gives?
I understand that, as men in the social media era, we have
options. We can easily X out a conversation and start a new one while
easily forgetting about the last one.
It's an unfortunate side effect of the "out of sight, out
of mind" mentality that comes along with constant information overload.
But one thing hasn't changed: The fact that you are talking to real
human beings with real feelings and emotions.
If you are interested in her, tell her. If you are not
interested in her, tell her. A gentleman will never allow a woman to
fall if he does not intend on catching her.
6. He focuses too much on her looks.
This one is pretty interesting because it may be
counter-intuitive to a lot of men reading this. But that is only because
most guys try to get a woman's attention by complimenting her beauty,
and put no effort into learning about her character.
Early on in my relationship I found myself not
complimenting my girlfriend on her looks very often. I wanted to tell
her that she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen; I wanted to tell
her that she looks just as beautiful in sweatpants as she does in a
dress
I wanted to dig up every adjective I could think of that
could be used to describe someone's appearance — but, I didn't. Why?
Because I didn't want her to think that's why I wanted to be with her.
Yes, she is beautiful and sexy,
but she is so much more than that. I actually told her once that I
didn't want her to think I only wanted her for her looks. She told me
that if I'd spent too much time complimenting her beauty, that's exactly
what she would've thought.
The woman in your life will have much more appreciation for
you taking the time to notice her character, compassion,
thoughtfulness, and kindheartedness — far more than you telling her how
great her butt looks in those jeans. Even if it does.
7. He gives too much, too soon.
Yes, men can be clingy, too. When we find a woman who
really catches our attention, sometimes the excitement can be a little
overwhelming and we may come on stronger than we intend to. This,
particularly for a more independent type of woman, is kryptonite and
pushes her away immediately.
Take a step back, take a deep breath, tell her what a great
time you had on your date, and do your best to fight the urge to text
her every 5 minutes. Don't be worried about coming across as
uninterested; you will actually likely be helping yourself rather than
hurting yourself.
8. He hasn't yet defined himself or his own path.
I know that this was a big hang-up for me for a long time. I
wasn't really sure who I was as a person, who I wanted to be, or who I
wanted to become. For that reason (and others) I knew I wasn't going to
be ready for a relationship until I had at least a better grip on those
questions.
In order to be happy with someone else, you first need to
be happy with yourself. That is the most important relationship you'll
ever have. If that one isn't healthy, none of your others will be
either.
The idea of "you complete me" is romantic, but it's not
realistic. A relationship is not about two people who complete each
other; it's about two people who are already whole and accept each other
completely.
9. He puts in part-time effort.
Healthy relationships aren't a part-time commitment. The
woman you are with is not just another option or a way to pass your
time, and she shouldn't be made to feel like she is.
When you are with her, be with her. When you are not with
her, let her know you're thinking about her. A relationship is a team,
and teams fall apart when one of the members doesn't pull their own
weight.
She needs to know that you will be there for her during
good times and during bad times. If you always seem to be just
sort-of-kind-of committed, she will eventually realize she's better off
being single, or will find someone who gives her what she needs.
10. He's clueless about how she's feeling.
You also need to make sure you learn about her on a deeper
level, especially about the one woman you've committed your time and
effort to. If you don't put in the effort to become in-tune with how
she's feeling or what she's communicating to you non-verbally, you will
never be able to form the type of deep, emotional connection that a
healthy relationship should possess.
She doesn't want or need you to be a psychic. But if you
truly put in the time and effort to communicate with her, listen to her,
and pay attention to the things she's saying to you when she's not
actually speaking, you will gain a greater understanding of the woman
you love and ultimately be able to bring more happiness to you as individuals, and to your relationship.
Relationships shouldn't be as complicated as they seem to be for our generation. They
don't need rules or checklists; what they do need is two people who are
willing to learn, understand, and communicate; two people who will
stand by each other when things are good, and when things are bad.
Two people who are willing to work together as a team. Because, in the end, the team wins the game.
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