The majority of the reasons listed above have to do with the critic’s own agenda or perspective, but some may be the result of your behavior, or of an unskillful attempt to connect with you. When partners or spouses criticize each other, there are often softer feelings underneath, such as feeling hurt, rejected, or not important. It is best to try to understand the critic's agenda before responding so you can tailor your response to best meet the situation.
These are some important questions to ask yourself so you can be more mindful and strategic in your response:
- Does this person seem to be coming from a genuine place?
- Is any part of their criticism legitimate? What was your contribution?
- Are they trying to be helpful?
- Is the criticism public or private? If public, why choose that forum?
- Does the criticizer seem to be competing with you for status, position, or inclusion?
- Are there hurt feelings underneath? Notice the person’s body language, tone of voice, etc.
- Who is the intended audience? You or somebody else?
- Is the criticizer really interested in solving a problem or reaching a mutual understanding?
- Are they willing to listen to you?
- Are they capable of moving off of their position to reach a compromise?
- Is this just a difference of opinion or something more personal?
- Are they just venting or do they want you to try to fix things?
- Do they perceive you inaccurately? Are they projecting qualities or intentions onto you that are more about their own issues?
- Is this only about them? Are they respecting your right to have a different opinion or make an independent choice?
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