Since writing 15 Ways To Love A Woman, I’ve had requests from the gentlemen to write a similar post for the modern, conscious woman who embraces an empowered, traditional femininity. I spent 18 months interviewing 250 men about love + relationships, and I found it interesting that when it comes to love, men want to give it to a woman who has the potential to become their wife.
These are 9 qualities that inspire men to give their heart fully.
1. You are self-developed and whole. You have a well-rounded life that you’ve created for yourself that includes healthy friendships and an outlet for service. You’re most likely a reader, and devour things that interest you. Quite often you initiate and contribute a fresh perspective when conversing with your man. You’ve developed your personal philosophies by thinking through and researching several viewpoints. You are confident about your opinions without being dogmatic.
Men love a woman who is intelligent, articulate, and open minded. You have to do homework to be this kind of woman.
2. You offer him respect and priority. You appreciate him with your words, affection, time, and your gaze. When he walks through the door, you stop what you’re doing, stand up and greet him: the man you love just walked in.
Do this no matter how busy you are. Do this even if you’ve been married 10 years. It shows respect.
3. You are a joy to come home to after a long day. When your man has had a bad/busy/stressed-out day, you don’t bomb him with your news when he walks in the door. (Please see side note #1 in the margin). One gentleman told me of something his girlfriend (who later became his wife) would do for him when she sensed he’d had a rough day. She would make him a drink, turn on his favorite show, and sit with him. She’d rub his feet for a few minutes. And then she got up and did her thing. This told him, “I’m in your corner. I am your sanctuary. And I’m fine with you de-stressing for 30 minutes without having to give anything.”
When he would talk about it later, she really listened to him. She empathized without advice giving.
They did this trade off for each other. They were tuned in to each others needs and made a habit of being the “shelter person” when the other needed support.
4. You let him contribute to you. Men want to be rock stars for their women. You are able to embody being beautifully empowered and independent, while being receptive and appreciative of what your man wants to give you. You are easy to contribute to.
When in a relationship, we must temper hyper-individualism. Count on him for things. Really count on him…..so much so that if he doesn’t come through for you, it will go undone. And if it does go undone, gently remind him that you are counting on him. 95% of the time, your guy simply missed the communication or forgot.
People who have loving, lasting relationships set it up so that it is possible for both partners to get what they need from life. And when their partner meets one of their needs they accept it as a gift, instead of viewing each unmet one as a betrayal.
5. You appreciate and accept his financial status. As a conscious woman, you are clear about your financial comfort zone, and you are aware of the economics of your coupling BEFORE you get married.
There has been a major financial reset button since the economy took a dump in 2008. Many people are recovering financially after job loss/layoffs, their investments tanking, losing houses, illness of a family member, divorce, bankruptcy, etc. There has been an increase in multi-generational families living under the same roof together, similar to the era of the Great Depression. There has been a sharp rise in entrepreneurship, which means many people who are in their 30's, 40's, 50's are starting over and living financially leaner. Some people are doing just fine. And some people have great wealth.
Get real with yourself. If a “simple life” to him translates as “destitute and poor” to you, you need to find someone who is on the same economic page as you. Do not go into denial because you are in love and then complain about his job choice and your shared standard of living after you are married.
6. You maintain a reserve. You maintain a certain privacy, no matter how long you have been together. Not a sly withholding or secretiveness, but an aura of dignity. You don’t air every thought and emotion that comes into your head. Your man knows it would take a 100 years to unravel you, and that’s because you have maintained a reserve for yourself. You are committed to your own borders of Self for the rest of your life.
7. You are sexually healthy and available to him. You’re open with yourself and generous to him. You’re lit up by him and welcome his desire. You generate your own sexual appetite. You’ve educated yourself in this regard.
If you have past issues with abuse, the most loving thing you can do for YOURSELF is get it dealt with. It is not acceptable to resign yourself to “I was abused” as a reason to stay unexpressed sexually and shut down your partner’s natural desires. We have been so incredibly fortunate for the past forty (yes, 40) years to have a culture full of therapists, support groups, healing retreats, books, seminars, and kick-ass girlfriends to talk to and get help with. It’s a tremendous disservice to live a low-sex existence because of your abuse, and put that on your husband. It’s your responsibility to make sure that your sexuality is healthy and accessible to the AMAZING man you love. Be delicious for him.
8. You support him in his role as a father. If you love a man who has minor children from a previous marriage, do not behave as if they are in competition with you for his attention. You embrace and support his choice to have a close, nurturing relationship with his children. This means you will, as a couple, be spending time, money, and attention on them.
When men go through divorce, one of the worst fears they deal with is missing out on their kids’ lives. They had a dream when their children were born. Make sure that, on your watch, he gets to live his dream of being an amazing father. Give him the love, freedom, and acceptance to fully engage with his kids.
9. He can trust you 100%. You do not overspend, overeat, become crazy religious, develop emotional relationships with other men, or break his confidence with your mom, sister, or girlfriends. You are faithful. Yes, all of these are areas of faithfulness.
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