"We all make mistakes." Nowhere is the cliché more apt than when it comes to relationships. As a dating coach
I've been privileged to help other women recognize and break free of
self-defeating patterns and habits that have kept them from realizing
the relationship of their dreams.
The most common dating mistakes
often spring from underlying issues of self-esteem (think too little of
yourself, and you'll settle for less-than-ideal situations - think too
much of yourself, and you believe bad behavior is absolved by your sheer
fabulousness). More often, dating doozies result from failure to
recognize - or simply accept - the different ways men and women approach
relationships. Then there's the lack of faith in the abundance of the
universe - the anxious sense of scarcity that propels us to "make things
happen," instead of letting them unfold.
Fortunately, you're not
alone. It's uncanny how the women I coach all tend to commit the same
mistakes (five of which I've outlined below). Moreover, correcting the
errors of your ways can be done with a bit of practice. To avoid
repeating the same mistakes over and over again, first you've got to
recognize them. So here goes:
Dating Mistake #1: Approaching Him First. Among all the invaluable lessons in The Rules,
emphasize this point as the most important. It may go against
conventional dating advice, which encourages women to flirt and even
strike up a conversation. While there are always exceptions, the women I
coach who are struggling with boyfriends who won't commit or husbands
who ignore them almost invariably made the first contact. A man may
date and even marry a woman who approached him first, but there will
likely be consequences later on...when he approaches the girl he really
wants. This goes for online dating as well.
Quick Fix: If
you talked him first or even asked him out, you can try to restore some
of the feminine mystique and you forfeited as the initiator by being a
bit more elusive - a little less available, a little more mysterious.
If he's truly smitten by you, he'll rise to the challenge and cherish
you more. If not, then let him float away now, before he wastes more of
your time and ends up breaking your heart. In the future, please,
trust in the universe! Look approachable and friendly - that's all the
encouragement your future (adoring) husband needs.
Dating Mistake #2: Acting overly chummy.
You've just met the guy and you're telling him about the back-stabber
in your office, the fight you had with your sister, the details of your
recent root canal. Yuck! During the first few dates, the man is still
essentially a stranger. Women who share intimate details of their lives
and emotions too soon come across as desperate and neurotic.
Quick Fix: Recognize that the more you talk about yourself,
the less you'll be listening and observing whether he is right for
you. Identify why you feel the need to yammer on -- nervousness, low
tolerance for awkward silences, desire to impress with witty banter and
accomplishments - and remember that you are not there to audition, but
to relax and have a good time.
Dating Mistake #3: Accepting last minute dates. Again, another big “no-no” identified in The Rules. You
need to show (not tell) men that you're a busy woman, with lots of
friends, deadlines, projects and prospects (including romantic ones).
When you accept so-called "spontaneous" invitations for the next day or
even same evening, you send the message you've got nothing going on in
your life - or nothing that important, since you're willing to
drop everything to accommodate him. Let a man treat you like a fast
food drive-thru (put his order in at the window then pull up to get his
grub) and that's how he'll view you. Fancy restaurants - and fancy
girls - require reservations made well in advance. What you reward you
encourage.
Quick Fix: To make
sure you're his "Plan A" girl (not the "Plan B" girl he calls after his
first choice turns him down), I recommend setting a firm cut-off limit
after which you're "busy" - period, I recommend their "three days in
advance" rule - e.g. he calls by Wednesday night to ask you for
Saturday.
Dating Mistake #4: Jumping into a "whirlwind romance." If
your love life looks a bit like Jennifer Anniston's, your 0-to-60
relationships might benefit from a judicious application of the break
pedal. Yes, speed bumps can be annoying, but without them you'd end up
driving too fast, without adequate time to observe, maneuver and react.
Again, The Rules remind us: "Men fall in love quickly - but
they also fall out of love quickly." Sure, it can be flattering, even
exhilharating, when a man you've just met wants to see you several times
a week and talk to you for hours on the phone. But unfortunately the
result is a white-hot romance that burns brightly and then fizzles out.
Quick Fix: You need to start pacing the relationship. Do The Rules:
Don't see him more than once or twice a week, don't talk more than ten
minutes on the phone, don't open up too fast, or introduce him to your
friends before he introduces you to his. If he absolutely must see you
every day, 24-hours-a-day, there's this arrangement called
marriage.....let him figure it out! A wise woman once observed: "It's
the spaces in between seeing you when a man falls in love and discovers
the true depth of his longing."
Dating Mistake #5: Wasting Time. We've
all been guilty of this one, at some point in our lives or another.
Wasting time - either in a relationship that's going nowhere or getting
over a heartbreak - is one of the biggest and most common mistakes women
make. As Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo exhort the lovelorn in He's Just Not that Into You: "Don't waste the pretty!"
Quick Fix: Know
what you want - and believe you deserve it. If you want to get married
but the guy you've been dating for over a year still isn't sure, set a
time limit of how long you're willing to wait then stick to it. Once
D-Day (decision day) arrives, and he's still waffling, then move on and
do not look back (if he's ever going to know and man up to a proposal,
this will be your best - and his last - chance). If you're still
wallowing in despair over a break up, then put your profile on-line,
start going to singles events, and let friends know you're available for
set-ups. There is no better "healing" than the attention several new
suitors.
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